@Personal

Feeling Anxious

December 18, 2015

Before I get into anything else, SORRY that I haven’t been active lately (or particularly, since August). It has been a very busy semester to say the least. Between school work, interning, my executive board position, and some very exciting life changes, I’ve let my blog fall to the bottom of my priorities list. That however is going to change. And right now, I’m feeling very anxious. 

One very exciting and nerve wracking thing that is going to happen incredibly soon is that I’m going to London in the spring! I’ll be spending four months there studying abroad and doing my best to become a real Londoner. New year, new city, and a plethora of new opportunities.

Tea with the Queen, lunch with William and Kate, strolls through Hyde Park every morning, and tons of photos of Notting Hill. These are the activities I image my abroad to experience to be filled with. And hopefully one will come to fruition.

I’m finally taking the steps towards becoming the person I’ve always imagined myself being as a young girl.

But with every new adventure comes a slew of new anxieties.

It took me three full years to finally feel confident and comfortable with myself on my current school’s campus. I realized that all that confidence I had in high school was feigned. On the outside I was loud, outspoken, and made sure that everyone around me thought I was confident. Soon after graduating, however, I realized that I wasn’t all that confident all those years, and cared more than I thought I did about my peers’ perception of me.

Within the past few months, however, I’ve become completely and truly confident in myself, the work I do, the career path I’ve chosen, and in my ability to care less about how I’m perceived by my peers.

Now that I’m going abroad for a few months, although I’m moving forward in my life, I also feel like I’ll be moving back to square one.

Not only am I scared to be in a new country miles away from my family, but I’m also scared that I’ll loose all the confidence that I’ve gained in myself over the past few years. And most of all, I’m scared that I’ll feel the way I did as a freshmen in college (which, in case you’re wondering, was an over-eager, far too hyper young woman who desperately wanted to find a friend group and hated being by herself).

In my head, I feel as if I’ve come so far in so short of a time, and fear that I’ll be derailed when I have to start over again. I’m using the phrase start over very loosely, because I’m really not starting over at all. Going to London for a few months can’t qualify as starting over unless I pack everything I own and move there indefinitely. But for some reason I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’ll be starting over in one way or another.

Regardless of how I’m feeling, however, I know that my ways to cope with my feelings have come a long way. I keep reminding myself that 20 year old Arielle is much, much different than 18 year old Arielle. I also keep reminding myself that everything will fall into place once I stop looking for things to fall into place. That is probably the most cliché advice I could give both you and myself, but I wouldn’t be saying it if I hadn’t experienced it firsthand.

The best remedy for my anxious feelings to just tackle my fears head on.

So on that note, I’m going to stop rambling. Instead, I’m going to relax and enjoy my winter break. Like most things in my life, I’ll face my fears head on when they’re right in front of me. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. But for now, I’ll just keeping drinking eggnog and singing Christmas carols because ’tis the season to eat your body weight in cookies.

 

 

 

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  • Reply indisputableincarnation December 18, 2015 at 11:42p12

    nice writing…

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